Monday, July 8. 2013Dan Brown's Inferno Portrays Transhumanism in Positive LightTrackbacks
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We actually have the memos where Henry Kissinger recommended we advocate population control in Brazil so they wouldn't be able to compete with us for oil.
Ditto Malthus: he was trying to shore up Britain's aristocracy in the face of the egalitarian movements kicked off by the French Revolution. Hence his argument that if we give poor people conditions that don't kill more than half their children, everybody starves.
To compensate you for your trouble (sung to the tune, Old Dan Tucker):
Ol’ Dan Brown was a fine old man, He washed his prose in a frying pan, He combed his hair with a wagon wheel, And he died of a toothache in his heel. So git out of the way, Ol’ Dan Brown, Mangling metaphors fresh from town! Bring ’em back where you bought ’em, Danny, And don’t let the back door hit your fanny. One day Dan Brown, he commenced to ail, So he went searching for the Holy Grail. He found him nothing but a snort of brandy – Enough to make Ol’ Dan Brown randy. Dan up and says, “Sure, I got to marry!” So he kneels down to his darlin’ Carrie. Carrie says, “Dan, no need to grovel, Just write me a million dollar novel!” He hoists his pants, like a pistol slinger, Sets his pen between his finger, Swings on his chair with the sweet old swivel, Then Dan Brown begins to drivel. So Ol’ Dan Brown, all lefty-leanin’, Writes him a book with nary a meanin’, But Dan don’t fret or give an inch – he Blames it all on Len Da Vinci. Danny knew not what he was doin’, His book it looked to be his ruin, Till he snuck down to the city sewers, Fixin’ to grease a few reviewers. Well, that turned on the money spigot! “This Dan Brown’s our kind of bigot! Says the Pope’s as mad as a hatter! Let’s get the Times to fawn and flatter.” You know the public hates a Papist More than a murderin’ skunk or rapist, And more than a drunk’ll pay for a bottle, They laid out for Dan Brown’s twaddle. Then famous Dan, to the world’s abhorrence, He set out to write in Florence, But the Italian paparazzi Thought his wife was hotsy-totsy. So ol’ Danny to duck that menace Goes skedaddling off to Venice, But couldn’t stand it, in his hearing, All them dagos gondoleering. Danny’s got brains, he ain’t no fool, he Flies with his wife to Istanbul, he Says to her, all bright and perky, “It’s just the right place for a turkey.” Rushin’ and runnin’ he coughs and wheezes, Cries, “I got it now! Diseases! A bucket of germs in a pickle barrel To make the world like I am – sterile.” He stews and simmers like a pot of Stirno, Then Dan Brown, he writes Inferno, And because his wits be scanty, Names it after his Uncle Dante. That tragedy was downright funny, Filled his barns with bales of money. But it don’t do Dan any good – that faker Soon must go to meet his Maker. At Danny’s wake, the adorin’ masses Had no paper to wipe their asses. But that’s all right, they used the pages From his novels for the ages. He prances up to the pearly portal, Says to Peter, “I’m immortal! Let me in, I’m fortune’s minion!” Pete says, “Best ask God’s opinion.” Says the Lord, high throned in heaven, “Every sin may be forgiven, Lyin’, swearin’, stealin’, fightin’, But not such infernal writin’!” That was the last of ol’ Dan Brown! He took his mangled metaphors down, Down to Gomorrah, down to Sodom, Down to wherever the hell he got ’em! So git out of the way, ol’ Dan Brown, Hitchin’ a ride to the hot downtown! Heaven’s rejoicin’, angels singin’, Dan Brown’s ears, they must be ringin’.
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It may also come as a comfort to know that on the site TV Tropes, where devices and structures in fiction are given cutesy names, the name they give to "this work is hyped as being well-researched but actual scholars in the relevant fields laugh at it" is called being "Dan Browned".
I think most people see through him, except the sort of people who also think James Bond is an accurate picture of espionage. |
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